Bill was an ugly guy. People would leave a restaurant when he showed up, and once a whole stadium even cleared out and he had to watch the football game all alone. That’s how ugly he was. It’s hard for you to realize how ugly Bill was, because if you ever saw him you would look away immediately so as not to damage your retina, and therefore you wouldn’t have the image of someone so ugly in your brain to recall when I talk about a really ugly guy like Bill. He was so ugly his friends wore blindfolds around him.

Upon retirement, Michael bought a ticket to Mars. He had made good money working all those years and plunked most of it down on a one-way passage to the red planet. Round trip would have been too expensive, and he figured he would probably die out there anyway.

  It was the year 1497, and Martin thought Jessie's girl was really hot. He even wrote a song about getting next to her, but he didn't want people to know his perverted thoughts so he kept it to himself. When the Bishop of Sexony rolled into town selling indulgences, he thought he'd found a solution for his wicked lust.

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Once upon a time there was a rock that could talk. He talked and talked but no one listened. The other rocks couldn't talk, and they were tired of hearing the talking rock blab away all day...